After years of part time and short contract work I’ve worked full time for a whole year. Accepting the job was one of the scariest things I’d done in a long time and I was terrified for a lot of the time that I would let down the people who trusted me and the families who not only needed me to do my job but to do it well.

It is a testament to my workplace and my colleagues that I felt so supported when a health issue arose that I could deal with it and keep going. And it’s a testament to Victoria’s health services that it was done well, efficiently and with little out of pocket cost. In meeting these challenges I realised something important about myself, something that I hope might help others reading this. I am more capable than I thought myself to be and my own skills and insights are valued more than I had guessed.

I had written off my career and was looking for work to just get me by, I didn’t want to put myself out there because, due to years in a coercive controlled relationship, I had lost myself somewhere. I had been a reasonably happy confident person who was strong enough to deal with most challenges on my own and was involved in community arts projects as well as my personal ones. I fell ‘in love’ with who I thought my partner was and it was over a decade before I managed to leave. For years afterwards that situation continued to influence my thinking processes. I still have to fight it.

It has taken this relocation and new work for me to realise my own value and being in my home, though a rental, to begin doing the things I love without feeling I have to explain why I do them. I’ve had a small painting sell at a local gallery which gave me more joy than other pieces which sold for much more money.

Part of the reason for me ending up in such a pit of despair in 2023, and this is not an exaggeration but the sensation I truly felt, was that I wasn’t using my talents to their full capacity. I had internalised the rubbish I’d been fed about my continuing to work and create. It’s not only partners who do this to women as they get older. Media also plays a part in this and they do it to men too. We are told that as we get older we are less. It isn’t true.

We need to start telling and showing the stories of all those who contribute to all aspects of society regardless of age. We need to be encouraging everyone to use the talents they possess to their fullest extent and not allow themselves to become self limiting. We all need to live and laugh and love in full measure and we do so by taking risks and continuing to be curious about the amazing world we live in.

Next year I begin a new role in mental health and wellbeing, an area I’ve worked in before. I hesitated in applying for it, the old demons had raised their heads again. I spoke to my daughter. She read the job description. It was like it was written for me. In writing the application I researched some of my previous work. Initiatives I’d introduced were still in place and making a difference over a decade later. People I’d mentored were in leadership positions. I sat and cried.

Leadership is making a difference during your tenure and doing it in such a way that positive aspects you introduce continue after you’ve moved on. I hadn’t felt like I was a particularly good leader when I left that position but results have proven otherwise. I’m not loud, I’m not self promoting and I always prefer to work in a collaborative way. My work was a bit ahead of its time, and from this perspective, I can see why the reactive members of the executive felt so threatened by it, so far outside their comfort zone. Credit where it’s due though, when the positive results were there they kept it on even after I’d left. It is still making a difference in that community.

If I make even a portion of the difference I made previously I’ll be satisfied, in the meantime I’ll be working at capacity.

And, as a bonus, I’m still making art.